Johnny Moronic

Watching Keanu Reeves' horrifically wooden monotone acting in Johnny Mnemonic wasn't the best way to get over Latics' result at Portsmouth. Every time we get beat I am confronted with some Hollywood drivel on Saturday night, with a pretty boy moaning and gurning in the most pitifully gruesome attempt at acting.

One couldn't help hoping that as 320 gigabytes of information were downloading into his neural network, his brain would explode, saving me from this patently amateurish attempt to transfer William Gibson's short story to celluloid. Unfortunately, the next 2 hours were spent with the 'baddies' attempting to remove his head to retrieve said data. Once they've removed it, perhaps they can give it to Ryan Taylor to boot over the Portsmouth bar. Why is he taking penalties anyway? He's only in the team as emergency cover.

An absurd end to an absurd day.

Paul Jewell in Porn Video "Shame"

Paul Jewell didn't quit Latics due to the strains and stresses of managing in the Premier League according to The News Of The World, but because of the stresses and strains of bedding a 28 year old blonde. Getting intimate with David Beckhams ex girlfriend Lisa Hames in a bondage video he (alledgedly):

STRAPS his champagne-swigging lover to a bed using silk ties.

BRINGS on a SEX TOY as a substitute when he runs out of steam.

SLAPS her bottom and face and pulls her hair as the blonde, wearing only black suspenders, stockings and studded black boots, writhes in passion.

KEEPS his T-shirt on to hide his overweight midfield as he goes for goal in a variety of formations.

And he "Leaps on her rattling in goal after goal for a full ten minutes".

Read their hilarious article HERE.

No wonder he's got himself a nice little flat in Derby as shown on Football Focus rather than commute as he's done with previous clubs, the dirty scouse git!

Latics V Bolton Preview

Since the early 1980’s, this fixture is the one most keenly awaited by Wigan Athletic fans. The close proximity of the two clubs forged an enmity in the furnace of the lower leagues that remains undiminished amongst the glitz and glamour of the Premier League.

The precarious predicaments of these two Lancashire rivals adds an extra spice to what is always a wonderfully heated derby, which should see the noise levels raised a decibel or two, as normally sane supporters lose their cool in the heat of the moment.

Bolton’s resting of their first team for the UEFA cup tie against Sporting is seen by some as a sad indictment of the Premier League’s clubs attitude toward their loyal support, but it means Wanderers have a full and rested squad to bring to the JJB.

Not as this will faze the Latics players, who have expressed their keenness to avenge the 4 – 1 defeat at the Reebok in December, in addition to pushing today’s opponents closer towards the trap-door.

Currently lacking fire-power, Latics fans are hoping Marlon King can break his duck and repay Steve Bruce’s faith in signing him from Watford. Emile Heskey has looked stiff recently, but with Marcus Bent suffering a knock and Antoine Sibierski not fully match fit, Bruce is relying on Heskey and Bent to prevent his team from drawing a third successive blank in the goals scored column.

Latics (from): Kirkland, Melchiot, Scharner, Boyce, Edman, Valencia, Brown, Palacios, Koumas, Heskey, King, Bramble, Kilbane, Sibierski, Taylor, Pollitt, Aghahowa, Bent, Olembe, Skoko.

Bolton (from): Jaaskelainen, Nolan, Davies, Taylor, Diouf, Gardner, Campo, A O'Brien, McCann, Steinsson, Hunt, Samuel, Meite, Cahill, Giannakopoulos, Helguson, Teymourian, Vaz Te, J O'Brien, Al Habsi.

Referee: Steve Tanner

Video Highlights: Latics 0 - 0 Arsenal

The Stephen Ireland Appeal

Have pity on poor Stephen Ireland. Manchester City don't pay him much and he can't afford a proper haircut. He gets his poor blind mum to cut round a basin.

Please give generously so we can send him to the barbers.