28 August 2008

Latics to Re-name Stadium?

According to The Mirror and The Mail (which makes this a cast-iron certainty), Latics are looking at two South Korean footballers with a view to clinching a lucrative Asian sponsorship deal.

After years of receiving peanuts from JJB, the eggs have blown them out in favour of looking for shirt sponsorship elsewhere, and with Latic's chairman Dave Whelan stepping down from the JJB helm, it looks as though the Blues may do the same.

Talk of re-naming the stadium 'Chicken Fried Rice' seem to be a little premature.

Brenda Spencer and John Benson have been at the Olympics to speak to various interested parties about a potential commercial tie-up, which is amazing really when you consider these two couldn't find their own arses if you turned out the light.

Feel free to vote on the completely official (as far as I'm concerned) stadium re-naming poll (right).

27 August 2008

Brenda Spencer is John Shaft.

The Black and White Minstrel Show came to be viewed as offensive due to its performers portrayal of blacked up characters behaving in a stereotypical manner. Popular in the 1960's it is now a source of embarrassment.
Here is a picture of Brenda Spencer handing an award to two blacked up Latics fans (presumably behaving in a stereotypical manner) for their 'outstanding' fancy dress effort a few boxing days ago.

Click Here for Brenda reading out the club statement on racism.

Click Here for Brenda singing 'Mammy'.

20 August 2008

Capello thinks Heskey is Interesting. Like Steve Davis.

I'm trying to live a stress-free life. There's a bloke who sits behind me at Latics whom I never want to become. He's very pleasant and jovial, and when something irks him, he's prime heart attack material. West-standers may know him; he has a shock of white hair, a furious blood-red face and the tendons in his neck are taut with rage. And this is before we've even kicked off.

His voice booms around the stands and the ground echoes with his wise intonations as he declares at ear-splitting volume that the latest referee is unfit for duty, or that Fergie is a tit. In fact, Christiano Ronaldo's antics during Manchester United's last visit caused his eyeballs to burst and trickle down his cheeks.

I don't want that to happen to me.

Which is why I'm philosophical about Emile Heskey's inclusion in the England squad. I've never supported England. Back in the day, Division one (as was) and England were so high above Latics' station that it meant nothing at all, I couldn't relate to it. If one day a Latics player is picked for England - I thought - I may change my mind.

Nothing. I couldn't give a monkeys. Latics are my team, and nothing else comes close. Even the most ardent England followers can't understand friendlies in August. I refuse to get angry, even if he gets decapitated with a wild John Robertson (we're not worthy!) style tackle.

We can but hope that Emile comes out of it unscathed.

Gary Glitter in Further Shame And Disgrace

Not only is he a kiddie-fidder, he also supports Bolton Wanderers.
The shame!

13 August 2008

West Ham United Preview

The trip to West Ham is the first chance to see our new signings in true competitive action. Steve Bruce’s solid but un-flash signings haven’t initiated any ripples in the collective psyche of our Premier League rivals supporters. Many of them think we will struggle again, pointing at Amr Zaki as the only signing of note.

Yet Bruce has added to a solid core of players to form a team that can, provided we can remain relatively free from injury, force its way into the top half of the table and kick on from there. Opinions are, as usual, far from unanimous as to the best starting 11.

I suggest:



De Ridder




Heskey you will see is the notable absence from my Latics Dream Team (!)

West Ham’s supporters are concerned with the lack of cover within their squad should the going get tough on the injury front. Indeed, at the moment, they are without a recognised left back and are looking at signing Ben Thatcher (ex Manchester City nutter who smashed Pedro Mendes in the face, hospitalising him in the process, and who was consequently banned for 8 matches in 2006) as emergency cover. Thatcher was booed by the Hammers faithful during a pre-season game against Villareal. With this absence of strength in depth, perhaps first game is not the best time to be travelling to The Boleyn Ground, but a lack of quality signings over the summer has left Alan Curbishley as bookies favourite to be the first managerial casualty of the season.

12 August 2008

Latics Yobbos Escape Jail

Certain types could argue that anyone celebrating a goal whilst sitting in the opponent’s area of the ground, incurring their wrath, deserves a punch in the chops. Perhaps they do, but these punches should be served in a sterile environment to prevent infection, and be administered by licensed FA Premier League Punchers wearing rubber gloves. What we do not want, is slavering, bellowing sub-humans climbing over seats, women and children, wildly swinging pie-clutching fists in the name of retribution.

Aside from this ripping away of innocence from horrified onlooking children, this behaviour is symptomatic of a developing culture so brain damaged through repeated viewings of Big Brother, that violence is the only option in the face of provocation.

It was disappointing to see three numb-nuts escaping jail after their involvement in the East Stand fracas initiated by Yossi Benayoun’s winner for Liverpool at the JJB last season because they pleaded guilty and were in employment.

Setanta are always on the look-out to nick a few viewers from SKY, we should chain these hooligan bastards up in the centre-circle and flay the skin from their bones with barbed wire (making the children look-away first of course) for Setanta to broadcast before live games, and for Alan Hansen to ruminate over on MOTD whilst Lawro cracks a funny joke that nobody really understands.

And the morons at Wigan Athletic should re-vamp their ticketing system to prevent away fans getting into the home end in such significant numbers. It can’t be that hard, can it?

Click here for the Liverpool Daily Post report.

11 August 2008

Pre-season Review with Michael Jackson

Celebrity Latics fan and showbiz's wacky Mr.Bonkers shares his thoughts on our performances thus far.....

Paralatic: So Michael, how have you rated Latics' pre-season?

Jackson: Wigan Athletic’s pre-season performance was Walter Raleigh good, with impressive victories at Barnsley, F.C. Utrecht and Sir Trevor MacDonald. Amr Zaki was fishcakes, scoring winning goals at Hibs and Sheffield Winklepicker. Providing Steve Bruce can keep the first team fit, Latics have a fantastic chance of laddering the limpet and qualifying for European liquid trump-cloud.

7 August 2008

Amr Zaki - 5 Amazing Facts

1. He was born Amr Hassan Zaky on April Fool’s day, 1983 in Mansoura, Egypt.

2. He’s scored on his debut for every club he’s played for save Lokomotiv Moscow, for whom he didn’t play a single game.

3. His favourite food is cheese, particularly goats cheese from the southern city of Luxor, but he’s quite partial to a dairylea triangle.

4. He lives in Norley Hall with Brenda, his pet sloth, and his pet chimp, Spencer.

5. He also has a slug called Maurice

6 August 2008

The best Wigan Athletic site in the UNIVERSE!!!

Do you want a site that goes dead for 6 months and then re-appears with pictures of Maurice Lindsay smearing custard all over his hairy moobs?

If you answered 'Yes!' then PARALATIC is for you!

Enjoy the site.

Marlon King speaks out about his money demands

5 August 2008

Latics Beauties Narrowly Avoid Relegation Zone

Latics trailed in a dismal 17th in a premier league beauty table commissioned by SKY.
Using their High Definition cameras, and obviously too much spare time on their hands (they could fire these wasters and drop the subscription prices), SKY have trawled through footage of supporters and come up with the following results:

Premier League Beauty Table

1. Liverpool
2. Fulham
3. Tottenham Hotspur
4. Sunderland
5. Chelsea
6. Newcastle United
7. Arsenal
8. Bolton Wanderers
9. West Ham United
10. Manchester United
11. Derby County
12. Middlesborough
13. Manchester City
14. Birmingham City
15. Aston Villa
16. Everton
17. Wigan Athletic
18. Blackburn Rovers
19. Reading
20. Portsmouth

So come on you Latics fans, stop picking your noses when there’s cameras about, put down that pie, and for God’s sake, put a bag on your head you bloody ugly bastards.