Paul Jewell: The Tom Cruise of Football

Remember those days when you had to turn up WISH F.M. to full blast in order to try and make out Paul Jewell's jolly scouse patois? Well tonight I was taken back to those heady days as I forewent the pleasures of Adrian Chiles and wittering pundits to watch Tom Cruise mumble his way through "Collateral".

This was such a festering pus-filled vomit-sack of a movie, that had it a football equivalent, it would be Derby County. The neighbours were banging on the walls as I had the TV turned up full blast in order to make out Cruise's pathetic attempts to enunciate his lines. If this is the best the teachings of L Ron Hubbard can do for him, then I'll stick to the rambling maniacs at Today's Community Church.

Jesus.

In frustration, I had to give up and turn to the solace of "The Crack In Space" by Philip K Dick. At least Derby County have the comedy of Darren Moore's mongoloid defending to provide brief respite for their supporters.

Listening to Jewell's incessant "building for next season" mutterings, it makes me wonder how much drivel we Latics fans forgave him, as we listened to his language-mangling post-match cack through our blue-tinted headphones.