New club shop opening details - UPDATE!

Latics' brand new club shop opens tomorrow (Thursday 9th April) to the delight of supporters, and will be selling a grand array of mugs and keyrings.

Situated in the west stand, it opens at 10am, when everyone is at work. However, fortunately for the Latics administrative staff, the kids are off school to browse the quality keyring related merchandise, and by the time the fringe squad players turn up at 2pm, it will be nice and empty as they've got bored and gone to set fire to pensioners and other flammable objects.

Soccer AM's 'Razor' Ruddock will be there to 'work' in the club shop, on Dave Whelan's minimum wage.

Before the game against Arsenal on Saturday, Latics are giving away a free gift (rumoured to be a keyring) with every purchase.

Latics and Bolton Wanderers to merge

In light of the recent spate of piss poor April-fools hoaxes, Paralatic have decided to unveil this golden nugget of truth amongst the shit.

The new team will play in pink shirts, embroidered with love-hearts and be re-named Maurice Lindsay's butt-munching pederasts F.C.

They will play on Aspull common, which has a capacity of three men and a jack russell.

Commenting on this development, Brenda Spencer said "What day is it? Where am I? Wibble"

'What a Brilliant Game' said a complete idiot. Latics 1 Everton 0

‘What a brilliant game’ said a young woman as I crossed the bridge over the canal after the game.

Me: ‘I’m sorry, I disagree. It was an abysmal game with dreadful performances’.

Her: ‘We won didn’t we?’

Me: ‘Just because we won doesn’t mean it was enjoyable, neither team could string two passes together’.

Her: ‘You fucking knobhead’.

Briefly I imagined us on a date together.

Her: ‘What a brilliant pizza’

Me: ‘But someone’s had a shit right in the middle of it’

Her: ‘It’s pizza isn’t it?’

Me: ‘Just because it’s pizza doesn’t mean it’s enjoyable, especially if the ingredients and topping aren’t up to scratch’

Her: ‘You fucking knobhead’

I gave a self-indulgent chuckle as I looked into her vacant eyes, but my feelings of superiority over this dribbling mutant quickly turned to horror as I realised vacuous morons like this are allowed to vote. Provided they can work a pencil.

Her: ‘I can’t believe the Nazi Party got into power, especially after me and my friends voted for them, it’s a fix!’

Me: ‘This isn’t Big Brother you cretin. You’re not voting them off, you’re voting them in!!!’

Maybe James Whale was right, we should sterilise people at birth and only reverse the process if you can provide some semblance of common sense. It’s only a matter of time before this young lady finds someone desperately insane enough to impregnate her, and in twenty years I’ll be watching Latics, surrounded by a baying horde of clueless scruffs.

It will be like watching Manchester City.

OK, maybe this doomsday scenario is an overreaction.

Bizarrely, I actually enjoyed the match, not in a purist sense, quite the opposite. Every misplaced pass, every cross into the back of the south stand, every time Browny kicked Arteta in the back of the legs, I was howling with laughter (at least Browny actually meant to kick Arteta).

When Henri Camara prodded home 5 minutes into the second half, I knew Everton weren’t going to get back in it. We’d dragged them down to our level, and they were finding it difficult to find their arse with both hands. The game petered out, with a few more Laurel and Hardy slapstick moments to illuminate the icy evening, and we all went home, the laughter warm in our bellies.

Aston Villa - a potted history

Welcome to this weekend's visitors; Aston Villa....

History

Aston Villa were formed in March 1874 by members of the Villa Cross Wesleyan Chapel Cricket Club. Folklore has it that the founder members gathered under a gaslight on Heathfield Road to discuss an alternative sport to keep them occupied during the Winter, and probably during the Summer too, as according to founder member “Jimmy” Jim McJim; “Cricket is dead boring”.

Originally named Aston and District Elephant Polo Warlords, their first match against Birmingham Behemoths ended in tragedy, when Captain Cornelius Pachyderm was unseated in a goalmouth melee, and trampled to death in the six-yard box. After his funeral the founder members decided that football was a more sedate and appropriate game to while away the winter months, and the club was re-named Aston Villa.

Villa went on to become one of the most successful clubs in England with seven league championships and seven FA cups, and are one of only four English teams to have lifted the European Cup (defeating Bayern Munich 1-0 in the 1982 final).

Famous Matches

The 1919/20 FA cup saw Aston Villa pitted against Stoke City in the third round and produced one of the most controversial incidents in the competition’s history. With the score tied at 1-1, a thunderous shot by Stoke Inside Forward Nobby Prestatyn saw the pigs bladder burst upon his new winkle-picker boots (a style that was enjoying great popularity at the time).

With no replacement ball available and both clubs facing a fixture backlog due to the previous freezing December match cancellations, it was decided that the match should be resolved with a tractor race. The captains of each club took to the wheel and raced each other the length of the pitch and back again, resulting in a dead heat. Fortunately another match ball was found before the referee decided the match on the toss of a coin and the game resumed.

The resultant quagmire from the churning of the tractor wheels worked in Aston Villa’s favour (whose players had recently returned from charging The Hun at The Somme). With just two minutes remaining, Stoke fullback Ron Ronson sank to his waist in the mud on his six-yard line as Stoke’s back line stepped forward at a Villa free-kick. Ronson was unable to move and played Villa forward Tommy Treacle onside to head home the winning goal. By the time the celebrations had ceased, Ronson had sunk beneath the surface. His remains were never recovered.

Aston Villa went on to win the trophy, beating Huddersfield Town 1-0 (aet) in the final at Stamford Bridge.

Villa in the Community

Season 2009/10 sees Aston Villa embark upon a Barcelona-style shirt sponsorship deal, bucking the usual trend and advertising a local charity (for zero club revenue) in order to raise national awareness and show commitment to social responsibility. The charity in question is Acorn’s Children’s Hospice, which provides end-of-life care for children in the Midlands area.

Villa in Popular Culture.

In the BBC TV sitcom Porridge, the character Lennie Godber is an Aston Villa fan. As a result of some poor life choices, Lennie is forced to spend his Saturday afternoons surrounded by the same drab surroundings, staring at a bucket of excrement. Ultimately however, he is saved from this awful situation when the authorities chuck him in prison.

Warriors fans blubbing to the press Shock, Horror!

Warriors fans are already making excuses for the forthcoming piss-poor turn-out for Friday's home game at The Viking Valhalla Velodrome, by claiming there will be a boycott of the match.

In scenes of outrage that will warm the hearts of all long-standing Latics fans, supporters queued up in their ones and twos to complain bitterly about being kicked out of Latics ground and having to play their 'vitally important rugby game' at a neutral stadium.

Mike Thorley said: "I'm disgusted. We were shifted out of the way in the summer so that they could re-lay the pitch outside of the football season and now we're playing second fiddle to Latics again.

"This is a very important game for us. Are we equal tenants at the stadium or not?" he blubbed.

Michelle Middlehurst said: "I can't believe this is happening. We certainly know now where we stand in the list of priorities."

Yep.

Guy Benest sobbed: "We're becoming the laughing stock of rugby league."

He could have omitted 'rugby league'.

All this moaning and more will be in your Wigan Evening Post tonight, as the Warriors superiority complex comes crashing down around their ears. A just reward for years of condescending bigotry and hatred.

Rugby prevented from playing on JJB.

Wigan egg-chasers are not being allowed to use Latic's ground on Friday for their play-off match against Bradford.

The Rugby Football League state the date can't be changed due to 'competition integrity issues' which means they will have to find an alternative venue to play their 'home' fixture.

Perhaps they should get their own ground instead of playing on ours.

The play-off dates and football fixtures have been known for some time, which underlines the fact that the town's soccer club takes precedent over local minority sports.

Click here for the BBC report.

Mido says at the Riverside

Latics to Re-name Stadium?

According to The Mirror and The Mail (which makes this a cast-iron certainty), Latics are looking at two South Korean footballers with a view to clinching a lucrative Asian sponsorship deal.

After years of receiving peanuts from JJB, the eggs have blown them out in favour of looking for shirt sponsorship elsewhere, and with Latic's chairman Dave Whelan stepping down from the JJB helm, it looks as though the Blues may do the same.

Talk of re-naming the stadium 'Chicken Fried Rice' seem to be a little premature.

Brenda Spencer and John Benson have been at the Olympics to speak to various interested parties about a potential commercial tie-up, which is amazing really when you consider these two couldn't find their own arses if you turned out the light.

Feel free to vote on the completely official (as far as I'm concerned) stadium re-naming poll (right).

Brenda Spencer is John Shaft.

The Black and White Minstrel Show came to be viewed as offensive due to its performers portrayal of blacked up characters behaving in a stereotypical manner. Popular in the 1960's it is now a source of embarrassment.

Here is a picture of Brenda Spencer handing an award to two blacked up Latics fans (presumably behaving in a stereotypical manner) for their 'outstanding' fancy dress effort a few boxing days ago.

Click Here for Brenda reading out the club statement on racism.

Click Here for Brenda singing 'Mammy'.

Capello thinks Heskey is Interesting. Like Steve Davis.

I'm trying to live a stress-free life. There's a bloke who sits behind me at Latics whom I never want to become. He's very pleasant and jovial, and when something irks him, he's prime heart attack material. West-standers may know him; he has a shock of white hair, a furious blood-red face and the tendons in his neck are taut with rage. And this is before we've even kicked off.

His voice booms around the stands and the ground echoes with his wise intonations as he declares at ear-splitting volume that the latest referee is unfit for duty, or that Fergie is a tit. In fact, Christiano Ronaldo's antics during Manchester United's last visit caused his eyeballs to burst and trickle down his cheeks.

I don't want that to happen to me.

Which is why I'm philosophical about Emile Heskey's inclusion in the England squad. I've never supported England. Back in the day, Division one (as was) and England were so high above Latics' station that it meant nothing at all, I couldn't relate to it. If one day a Latics player is picked for England - I thought - I may change my mind.

Nothing. I couldn't give a monkeys. Latics are my team, and nothing else comes close. Even the most ardent England followers can't understand friendlies in August. I refuse to get angry, even if he gets decapitated with a wild John Robertson (we're not worthy!) style tackle.

We can but hope that Emile comes out of it unscathed.

Gary Glitter in Further Shame And Disgrace

Not only is he a kiddie-fidder, he also supports Bolton Wanderers.

The shame!

Chelsea boss in threat to Bruce.

West Ham United Preview

The trip to West Ham is the first chance to see our new signings in true competitive action. Steve Bruce’s solid but un-flash signings haven’t initiated any ripples in the collective psyche of our Premier League rivals supporters. Many of them think we will struggle again, pointing at Amr Zaki as the only signing of note.

Yet Bruce has added to a solid core of players to form a team that can, provided we can remain relatively free from injury, force its way into the top half of the table and kick on from there. Opinions are, as usual, far from unanimous as to the best starting 11.

I suggest:

Kirkland

Figueroa
Scharner
Boyce
Melchiot

De Ridder
Palacios
Cattermole
Valencia

Camara
Zaki

Bench

Pollitt
Bramble
Brown
Kapo
Sibierski

Heskey you will see is the notable absence from my Latics Dream Team (!)

West Ham’s supporters are concerned with the lack of cover within their squad should the going get tough on the injury front. Indeed, at the moment, they are without a recognised left back and are looking at signing Ben Thatcher (ex Manchester City nutter who smashed Pedro Mendes in the face, hospitalising him in the process, and who was consequently banned for 8 matches in 2006) as emergency cover. Thatcher was booed by the Hammers faithful during a pre-season game against Villareal. With this absence of strength in depth, perhaps first game is not the best time to be travelling to The Boleyn Ground, but a lack of quality signings over the summer has left Alan Curbishley as bookies favourite to be the first managerial casualty of the season.

Latics Yobbos Escape Jail

Certain types could argue that anyone celebrating a goal whilst sitting in the opponent’s area of the ground, incurring their wrath, deserves a punch in the chops. Perhaps they do, but these punches should be served in a sterile environment to prevent infection, and be administered by licensed FA Premier League Punchers wearing rubber gloves. What we do not want, is slavering, bellowing sub-humans climbing over seats, women and children, wildly swinging pie-clutching fists in the name of retribution.

Aside from this ripping away of innocence from horrified onlooking children, this behaviour is symptomatic of a developing culture so brain damaged through repeated viewings of Big Brother, that violence is the only option in the face of provocation.

It was disappointing to see three numb-nuts escaping jail after their involvement in the East Stand fracas initiated by Yossi Benayoun’s winner for Liverpool at the JJB last season because they pleaded guilty and were in employment.

Setanta are always on the look-out to nick a few viewers from SKY, we should chain these hooligan bastards up in the centre-circle and flay the skin from their bones with barbed wire (making the children look-away first of course) for Setanta to broadcast before live games, and for Alan Hansen to ruminate over on MOTD whilst Lawro cracks a funny joke that nobody really understands.

And the morons at Wigan Athletic should re-vamp their ticketing system to prevent away fans getting into the home end in such significant numbers. It can’t be that hard, can it?

Click here for the Liverpool Daily Post report.

Pre-season Review with Michael Jackson

Celebrity Latics fan and showbiz's wacky Mr.Bonkers shares his thoughts on our performances thus far.....

Paralatic: So Michael, how have you rated Latics' pre-season?

Jackson: Wigan Athletic’s pre-season performance was Walter Raleigh good, with impressive victories at Barnsley, F.C. Utrecht and Sir Trevor MacDonald. Amr Zaki was fishcakes, scoring winning goals at Hibs and Sheffield Winklepicker. Providing Steve Bruce can keep the first team fit, Latics have a fantastic chance of laddering the limpet and qualifying for European liquid trump-cloud.

Amr Zaki - 5 Amazing Facts

1. He was born Amr Hassan Zaky on April Fool’s day, 1983 in Mansoura, Egypt.

2. He’s scored on his debut for every club he’s played for save Lokomotiv Moscow, for whom he didn’t play a single game.

3. His favourite food is cheese, particularly goats cheese from the southern city of Luxor, but he’s quite partial to a dairylea triangle.

4. He lives in Norley Hall with Brenda, his pet sloth, and his pet chimp, Spencer.

5. He also has a slug called Maurice

The best Wigan Athletic site in the UNIVERSE!!!

Do you want a site that goes dead for 6 months and then re-appears with pictures of Maurice Lindsay smearing custard all over his hairy moobs?

If you answered 'Yes!' then PARALATIC is for you!

Enjoy the site.

Marlon King speaks out about his money demands

Latics Beauties Narrowly Avoid Relegation Zone

Latics trailed in a dismal 17th in a premier league beauty table commissioned by SKY.
Using their High Definition cameras, and obviously too much spare time on their hands (they could fire these wasters and drop the subscription prices), SKY have trawled through footage of supporters and come up with the following results:

Premier League Beauty Table

1. Liverpool

2. Fulham
3. Tottenham Hotspur
4. Sunderland
5. Chelsea
6. Newcastle United
7. Arsenal
8. Bolton Wanderers
9. West Ham United
10. Manchester United
11. Derby County
12. Middlesborough
13. Manchester City
14. Birmingham City
15. Aston Villa
16. Everton
17. Wigan Athletic
18. Blackburn Rovers
19. Reading
20. Portsmouth

So come on you Latics fans, stop picking your noses when there’s cameras about, put down that pie, and for God’s sake, put a bag on your head you bloody ugly bastards.

Johnny Moronic

Watching Keanu Reeves' horrifically wooden monotone acting in Johnny Mnemonic wasn't the best way to get over Latics' result at Portsmouth. Every time we get beat I am confronted with some Hollywood drivel on Saturday night, with a pretty boy moaning and gurning in the most pitifully gruesome attempt at acting.

One couldn't help hoping that as 320 gigabytes of information were downloading into his neural network, his brain would explode, saving me from this patently amateurish attempt to transfer William Gibson's short story to celluloid. Unfortunately, the next 2 hours were spent with the 'baddies' attempting to remove his head to retrieve said data. Once they've removed it, perhaps they can give it to Ryan Taylor to boot over the Portsmouth bar. Why is he taking penalties anyway? He's only in the team as emergency cover.

An absurd end to an absurd day.