New club shop opening details - UPDATE!

Latics' brand new club shop opens tomorrow (Thursday 9th April) to the delight of supporters, and will be selling a grand array of mugs and keyrings.

Situated in the west stand, it opens at 10am, when everyone is at work. However, fortunately for the Latics administrative staff, the kids are off school to browse the quality keyring related merchandise, and by the time the fringe squad players turn up at 2pm, it will be nice and empty as they've got bored and gone to set fire to pensioners and other flammable objects.

Soccer AM's 'Razor' Ruddock will be there to 'work' in the club shop, on Dave Whelan's minimum wage.

Before the game against Arsenal on Saturday, Latics are giving away a free gift (rumoured to be a keyring) with every purchase.

Latics and Bolton Wanderers to merge

In light of the recent spate of piss poor April-fools hoaxes, Paralatic have decided to unveil this golden nugget of truth amongst the shit.

The new team will play in pink shirts, embroidered with love-hearts and be re-named Maurice Lindsay's butt-munching pederasts F.C.

They will play on Aspull common, which has a capacity of three men and a jack russell.

Commenting on this development, Brenda Spencer said "What day is it? Where am I? Wibble"